Cry of Despair Song of Joy
by A1
Summary: descent. in hell. decide. climbing. part five SONG OF JOY. /please/ r/r
1. Descent

****

Cry of Despair/Song of Joy

Descent

Falling. . .

The ground

Just vanished

From under my feet

Down

Down

Down. . .

It felt so firm

Stomp on it

Jump on it

It never moved

Never budged

Gone

Falling

Away from the light

See it above me

Fading

The mists of darkness swallowing it

As they envelop me

In their chilling embrace

Falling

Into darkness

Light gone

I can't see my hand

And it's right in front of my face

Dark

The absence of light

Nothing

I'm surrounded by nothing

Falling

Nothing to stop my descent

Into nothingness

Down and down

Faster and faster

I flail around

Desperately

Panicking 

My heart pounds in mortal fear

Reaching for

Something to hang onto

Something solid. . .

Something. . .

Please. . .

Oh God. . .

Stop me

Don't let me go any farther

God. . .

God. . .

God. . .

Falling

Nothing!

All around me is absence

His absence

I cannot feel Him

Everyone far away

Far above

Nothing to hold onto

Nothing to cling to

Nothing to stop this descent

Into hell

Falling

Abandoned

Sweeping through me

A cold wave

The knowledge

He has abandoned me

Nothing to stop

This descent 

Falling

Lack

Absence

Nothing

Nothing

__

Nothing

Falling

Where are you?

WHERE ARE YOU!?!

Falling

There is nothing around me!

Nothing to grab onto

No one to stop me

Grab at shadows

Grasp at darkness

Hands close on nothing

Panic 

Flail blindly

Throw back my head

Scream

Falling

Falling

Falling

Then

Bottom

Hell

****

Author's Note

Obviously, unfinished work. The form came out oddly, but I like the way it works. I'm seeing at least two, maybe three more pieces. Maybe more, maybe less. . . 


	2. In Hell

****

Cry of Despair/ Song of Joy

2 In Hell

Lost and abandoned

Forsaken. . . and alone

Alone in this emptiness

Alone. . . in the nothing

Stand still and take a breath

Be calm

Fight down the panic

Threatening to overwhelm

Let it happen

And I know I am lost

Look up

Strain your eyes

And try

Try to see the light through the darkness

The faintest glimmer or the tiniest star

Anything

Is that really up?

Maybe up is really that way

Or. . . That way

Where is down?

Where is left?

Where is right?

Where is up?

Stand still and take a breath

Be calm

Fight down the panic

Threatenin. . . Maybe there will never been another up

There has to be an up

Maybe there is no up

There has to be an up

Maybe it was all a dream

There has to be an up

Maybe there never was light

There has to be an up

Maybe it's always been nothing

There. . .

There is nothing

Run now

Search with all you have

Look for something

Anything to hold onto

Floor, ceiling, walls

Anything to press against

To be a solid foundation

There is nothing

NOTHING

__

Lost

Abandoned

Forsaken

Scream now

Loud and terrifed

Filled with pain and despair

Fill the nothing with screams

Fill the nothing with cries of despair

Fill the nothing with physical pain

Just. . . Fill it

Nothing

It swallows everything

The pain and screams are sucked away

Despair into the nothing

Leave nothing behind

Become. . . Part of the nothing

Nothing. . .

Around me

In me

Where is solidity?

Where is something to hold onto?

Where is everyone?

Where has my purpose gone?

Where is God?

No purpose. . .

No. . . God. . .

What is life?

Without purpose, without god?

Should there be life?

No. . .

My God

My God

Why have you forsaken me?

Are you really there?

****

*Author's Note*

aherm, this is autobiographic, (seeing as I couldn't think of a summary, nothing is really explained), happened over the summer. Feels exactly like it's written. I intend to write a soul-bearing "witness" to fully explain what happened in an end-author's note. Although, I will warn everyone that it may sound rather silly. (What triggered the violent, (wonderful phrasing! true genius! Now, why don't you write more poetry!?! Such gifts are meant to be used), fall is a bit, just a little, ridiculous.) I know this is very depressing reading this, but it gets much happier. So smile:) There is God and he loves you.

****

Note to Anifan1

Your "Unsaved and Manmade" was one of the first fics I read in the bible section and, I really am going to sound excruciatingly silly, but I have hero-worshipped you since then. Lol:) My dream, as I began to post in the Bible section, to get a review from you. I had kind of given up, since I hadn't seen you around in a while, (im at times very unobservant), and then I got the email that said "review alert" and it was from "anifan1". (My mom came running in when she heard me yell and asked if everything was ok.)

So, anyways, I will stop rambling now and conclude. Thank you. For everything.


	3. Decide

****

Cry of Despair/ Song of Joy

Decide

Nothing Nothing Nothing

The silence drives me mad

No noise, none

So empty

Am I going nuts?

My whole life

Centered

Around God

Of course there is a God

There has always been a God

Not sure

Not sure. . .

Maybe. . .

I can't feel God

I've always. . .

Is there a God?

I don't know

I'm not sure

Everything so empty

And yet

I feel crushed

So much weight

Pressure

Is there a God?

Whirling now in circles

Dizzy and disoriented

Sit down 

Cry

Scream

For help

No one can help

I'm. . .

So alone. . .

No

There is no God

No God

NO GOD

A lie

Everything is a lie

There is no anything

NOTHING

nothing. . .

everything is nothing

And everything

Everything is not worthy anything

Just

Nothing. . .

Why am I even here?

Why do I even bother

Nothing

Nothing

Nothing

Stop

Be rational 

Just for a moment

And then

You can let go

Stand still

Breathe in

Breathe out

Breathe in 

Breathe out

Now. . .

Decide

Is there purpose. . .

Is there God

I can't feel God

Nothing is pressing in all around me

Absence of anything

It's hard to breathe. . .

My mind whirls in circle

Passing the question over and over

Inside my head

Is there

Isn't there

Is there

Isn't there

Is there

Isn't there. . .

I CANNOT FEEL HIM

How can he be real!?!

Why would he let me suffer like this???

At the least he would let me feel him

To help me through this darkness

But he doesn't. . 

He doesn't

He isn't

Look down

Feel the insanity

Scrabbling madly 

At the edges of consciousness

Everything a lie. . .

No

The nothing is so loud

The silence

The absence

It's so loud

But

No

Is very quiet

I cannot feel God

Like having my heart ripped from my body

Leaves me lost and stumbling

In nothing

But. . . 

No

I believe

I have no reason

None

Nothing

I have nothing

But

I believe

I believe. . .


	4. Climbing

**Cry of Despair / Song of Joy**

**4. Climbing**

It. . .

Is done

My decision is made

And it is faith that I have choosen

Faith in something I cannot see

Something I cannot hear

Something I can no longer even feel

Am I stupid?

Do I have a brain?

Am I just plain dumb?

Maybe. . .

Maybe yes

Maybe no

But either way

I have choosen

And there will be no looking back

Only forward

Only up

I'm still so weak

Nothing is still crushing in all around me

And inside is still so. . .

Empty

Nothing has changed

Except my mind

I am going to climb

I'm going to get out of this pit

I am going to get better

I am going to feel sunlight on my face again

And

And I will feel God again

Come on girl

Enough stalling

Turn that tough face towards the wall

And get moving

Put your money where your mouth is

Climb

Get better

Go find your God

So now I'm on my way

Out 

And up

I hate falling

Nothing to hold onto

Nothing to stop me

Nothing rushing past

Closing in on me. . .

But fallin

In someways

Is easy

Let myself go

And just

Fall

But climbing

Now

Climbing is hard

Press against the wall

Straining up 

Searching for a hold

Digging nails in

Hold on tight

For dear life

You know you don't want to fall again

Every step

Ever inch

Has to be fought for

Paid for

With sweat

And tears

And pain

Pay attention

Keep your mind on the task

Don't you /dare/ lose focus

It's easy to slip

Too easy to fall

Easy. . .

And climbing is so hard

It'd be easy 

To just let go

And fall

Just fall

  
And maybe

Hitting bottom. . .

Maybe I wouldn't survive

It'd be the end

No more always anxious

No more worry worry worry

No more tears

No more pain

No more. . .

What was it like?

Before I fell?

Was it like this?

Pondering to be

Or not to be?

Anxiety and tears and pain

And at the same time

So empty?

A hole

That nothing can fill up

Whatever you do

It's always empty

I'm so empty

Pressed against the wall

Not afraid

Not scared

Not hurting

Just. . .

Empty

Like I'm numb to everything

Stop it

Look up

There is up

It's dark right now

I don't believe it gets better

In my heart, there is no God

But there will be light

I know that it will get better

And there is faith

That there is an answer

To my emptiness

God is there

Now

There is more then nothing

More then empty

There is

Hope

So now

With hope and with faith to be my companions

To lift my spirits

And light my path

I begin to climb again

I know

That the fall was long

And the way back

Will be just as long

But I am ready

There is faith

There is hope

And there is time

Then

Has it been years and years?

Or perhaps it was only months

Or just days

The first tentative ray of sunlight

Fall softly on my face


	5. Song of Joy

****

Cry of Despair / Song of Joy

5 Song of Joy

Blinking furiously

I cling tightly to my hold

And squint upwards

For awhile now

I've been climbing not in darkness

Utter lack

But in dimness

Growing ever brighter

And now

Now there is light

Shining bright and warm

On my face

Words. . . Fail completely

To describe

This. . .

How it feels

This first ray of light

Like the first deep breath

Of cool fresh air

After hours

Of suffocating darkness

Close your eyes

Savor. . . The moment. . .

At last!

There is sunlight on my face

Finally! Darkness is ending

Dawn is not far away

Eagar now

I spring swiftly upwards

Strength floods me

From every limb

To the depth of my soul

I am pulling myself upwards

Is this joy?

It's been so long. . .

Strong hands take mine

Hauling me up

Welcome faces

Shine smiling into mine

I almost stop 

To throw my arms around them

Thank them

Weep tears of joy with them

But the light is calling me

Beckoning me ever onward

Over rocks and stones

Half running

Half stumbling

Up

Always up

I hear it

And for a moment

I am completely still

Trembling

Listening breathlessly 

It is soft

But I hear it

The song

My song

And quite suddenly

I am crying

My song

And He is singing it

My song of joy

He sings it

For me

The feeling wells up in me

Filling me

Joy so that I am about to burst

Running towards him

Laughing

And crying

I shriek His name

Like a lovesick child

Over and over and over

I call out to Him

And He answers

Singing to me

Calling me

Beckoning me ever closer

The song is mine

The joy is mine

Now I am running

Like a deer

Hind's feet

On high places

Upwards

Through the bright light

Of this fresh new morning

Where now I see Him

His arms outstretched 

To welcome me back

Arms that are weary and aching to hold me again

I. . . am. . .

I am. . .

I am crying to hard to see

Sobs wrack my body

I've wanted this for so so long

Every moment

Every second down in the darkness

When I was so empty

I longed for this

I ached to be held in His arms again

And now

Now. . .

I can't move another step

All my strength deserts me

I'm breaking down

And crying

Then. . .

I hear Him call my name

Hear his steps

As he runs to me

I hold my arms out to Him

Sobbing his name

Again like a little child

He catches me gently

Before I can sink to the ground

And now

Now. . .

I am in His arms. . .

Oh God. . .

I am in His arms again. . .

Wrap your arms tight around Him

Bury your face deep in His shoulder

Whisper fiercely

That you'll never let Him go again

And then. . .

Just let Him hold you

His voice

Falls softly on my ears

The most beautiful sound in the entire world

I smile through the tears

All that I have gone through

Seems as nothing

To be held in His arms

To hear His voice

The way He says my name. . .

He is singing my song

Song of joy

Joy that is eternal

And everlasting

The memory of this moment

Will never leave me

He is my song

He is my Song of Joy. . .


End file.
